a comparison

I know that I probably shouldn't be making these comparisons, at least not online, but I am anyway.

I've been happier recently than I have in quite a while. As much as I hate to say it, I would have to say that at least part of it can be attributed to my "new" relationship. It's not quite as new anymore, but we haven't been dating for a long time yet. To be a little more precise, it will be four months next week. To keep things straight in my mind, more than to give my readers (if there are any) any idea of things going on, I want to make a few comparisons between my relationship now and my last one. I was devastated at the end of my last relationship. I put pretty much everything I had into it. I loved him, and because of that I put up with so many things that I shouldn't have put up with. With hindsight being 20/20, I can say now that I should have left him long before the relationship ended. I had gut feelings of that more than two years before it ended, but I ignored them. At the time I figured it was just that we had had some kind of conflict or maybe needed some time to recoup and breathe. The same battles came up over and over in our relationship and then as time went on more battles arose. I want to make sure that I don't make some of the same mistakes again. I want to be able to pull out of the relationship if it is going to tank. By the time my last relationship was over, I was so miserable so that breakup was almost as much of a relief that it was over as it was a heartbreak.

I don't want you to think that my ex was a bad person. He's not at all. He has many great and admirable qualities. He is intelligent, hard working, family oriented, handsome, and has a killer smile. But he is also very broken due to his childhood. And the problems that he has stems from that and his unwillingness to do something about them. He has trust issues. He doesn't believe that anyone really loves him, and he doesn't feel that he deserves to be loved. About 5 or 6 weeks after new dude and I went on our first date, the ex sent me an email. In it he told me that he wanted to apologize for how he treated me during the second half of our relationship. He said that he was in a new relationship and that the girl treats him similarly to how I said he treated me. Before closing out the email, he said that he hopes I find someone who loves me as much as I deserve. He complimented me in a way that he hadn't for so long, if ever. By the end of the relationship he had become (at least somewhat) emotionally abusive. I started to believe that I didn't deserve better than him. That I didn't deserve anything. I started to believe that I was nearly worthless. I didn't think I deserved a better life partner, a better job, a better anything! He made me feel that I had made a huge mistake with my academic choices and I was just screwed and could never do anything to find a career that I love. He never said these words directly to me, but that was the impression that I got from him. Or else he would mention how a sibling or a parent or a friend had mentioned one of those things. But he wouldn't mention how he would defend me. I don't know if he did try to defend me or not, but I felt that he was just leaving me out to dry. I felt like he believed what they were saying and was trying to convey it to me.

New dude has some of the same great qualities - he's also intelligent and family oriented. From the time I met him I was at least somewhat attracted to him. I didn't act on it, and I never considered acting on it. When we met we were both in separate relationships so it was never a possibility for either of us. In oh so many ways I think that dating each other blindsided both of us! I quickly found out some things that made me skeptical about him - including that he is also a child from a broken home. I don't judge people for their parents' choices in life, but I have seen just how much a person can be broken because of these things. I have seen how that can affect both the child and their significant others. Dude, though, had a somewhat different experience than ex. Both sets of parents divorced because dad cheated on mom. Unlike with ex, dude's parents (or maybe just his mom) had him go through therapy starting shortly after the divorce. I'm not saying that he's not scarred because of it, but he has learned to deal with it much differently than ex. He takes a much different approach. Ex doesn't believe that marriages can ever work out so he's skeptical that he'll ever be in one. Dude is bound and determined to be in ONE for life. Dude has been nothing but supportive of me going back to grad school. He is encouraging me to do so much more. He has looked at post docs near the places that I have looked at for grad school. He's encouraging me to volunteer at a museum to get more experience and a resume builder. Unlike ex, dude is really close with his mom and is super excited that she and I get along. That meant a lot to him that we were able to get along with one another. His last gf and his mom didn't get along at all. It was BAAAAADDDD. Very, very bad. So hearing from his mom that she liked me and would love to get to know me better just made him over the moon happy. Ex told me over and over that I was a distraction. He would ask me to come see him and then ignore me while working on homework or research. Dude, however, loves when I give him attention. He also loves to shower me with attention. If he is really busy, he tells me that upfront. He lets me know that he needs to do some work, but that he'll let me know as soon as he can pay me attention.

I'm not an idiot. I realize that dude and I are still in the "honeymoon" phase of our dating relationship. I know that things could change for us. I know it could end. And it could end as badly as the last one. But right now things are going great. We've had some small spats already; I think that's especially common when you work together because you share extra stresses. We share a boss, we share coworkers, we share a space. We share more than most people do at this phase of a relationship. We see each other every day. Literally. Socially on the weekends (and sometimes one or two nights during the week) and at work M-F. The small spats are usually due to work strain. We haven't really had any personal spats yet. We both know we will. We've discussed how we might handle real fights. Hopefully they'll be very far apart, and we'll be able to get through them. I just want to remind myself of how things went with ex so that I can know the signs if it is time for me to get out. I'm not looking for an out. Dude makes me very happy. His eyes light up when he sees me. He almost always smiles. When that stops, I'll start to question our relationship. But I don't see it stopping anytime soon. :)